Have you ever tried to do a puzzle without the picture on the box of what you are trying to build? Probably not. It is difficult not seeing what you are creating or having the clues of context – this colour must go here because it is part of this flower, etc. But it is possible- slowly testing each piece against all the others to see if/where it fits.
This is who I feel about life right now. I have pieces – good pieces – of people and work and responsibilities. But at the moment, God isn’t showing me the ‘picture on the box.’ How do these pieces go together? Are all the pieces I am working with part of the puzzle, or have a few strays from other puzzles got mixed in? I’m looking at the pieces, I’m looking at the puzzle being built – and I am confused.
I know some people live this ways just fine. But not me. I prefer and am accustomed to knowing the big picture and what I feel God is saying and doing. It helps me prioritise and hold in tension the various parts of my life. It helps me hope and take hard steps – seeing where they lead. And to be honest, I’m a little angry with God right now for not showing me what is going on, especially in areas that just don’t seem to make sense.
Yes, I am talking about THAT God – the one who created and runs the universe. The one who is good and loving. It’s that God. I’m not doubting God, or giving up on God. I’m just not happy with God. I think God is ok with that. I hope you are ok hearing this [you know, because I am a minister and a missionary – one who basically does what God says for a living]. I am not acting disobediently or sinfully. I’m just not happy… Maybe you have or do feel the same way yourself?
Why am I angry? Well they say that anger is often an indicator of other more specific feelings. So I guess:
I am feeling lonely. In this lost place, other people don’t know what to say or how to relate or help. In some cases, I feel friends are distancing themselves from me to keep themselves safe. Or people just don’t like what I am feeling/saying. I suppose it is similar to those who experience grief and all they need is people to be present – meanwhile people want to give them space or don’t know how to sit with them in their places of pain. And those who understand what I am feeling are often in similar situations and are barely holding it together themselves. What I need is for anyone who has been in this place to say ‘it’s ok, i understand, you’ll be alright, what can i do to help?’ And for the other people in my life to not not run away when I act weird. Don’t leave me alone.
I am feeling disoriented. I am accustomed to hearing God speaking and knowing what to do. Therefore, this place I am in now feels very much like being in the dark. God is there, I know. And I am not afraid of the dark. But I don’t like all the tripping and bumping into things I am doing as I attempt to move as best I can. I find myself understanding – perhaps for the first time – the Biblical cry ‘don’t take your presence away!’ I always wondered about that – I mean, God would never do that. Yet here I am, knowing God is here, but asking, ‘where are you? what are you doing? why won’t you speak?’
I feel powerless. I can’t make long-term plans. I can’t say much with assurance. I doubt myself most of the time. I keep waiting for God to make things more clear, to rescue me, to do SOMETHING. And what God is saying is, ‘I am here.’ Yes, God, I KNOW. Now what???? I like to DO things, go places, see results. I have no control here – I’m not happy. Maybe – maybe – maybe this is for my own good. I am sure there are things God is doing that I don’t know. But it seems to me it would be helpful to our relationship if He would communicate more 😉
So, I am having an argument with God right now. Please tell Him I will be watching football until He’s ready to talk. I’m sick of puzzles.
photo caption: ah, those were the days…